Why, brain, WHY

You know when you have a really weird dream? Like a really, fucked up weird dream?

Do you ever wake up afterwards with the emotions displayed above?

I surely do. Some of my dreams leave me wondering if I'm a latent psychopath who is just too lazy to kill people. Or better yet, dreams where I dream about people in my life, and I wake up pissed off at them for what they did in the dream.

Case in point, I dreamt Antisocial Husband not only cheated on me, but moved the wench into our house before telling me about her. I gave him such a filthy glare when I woke up, and he was awfully confused until I huffily explained to him why his skin was bubbling from my dirty looks. He was rather bemused...

Or what about those super-real yet surreal nightmares? The only nightmare that ever caused me to literally wake up screaming was when I dreamt I was lying in our bed, staring at the ceiling. And on the ceiling was this big, swinging, pulsing grey woven egg-sac. Next thing you know, it explodes and spiders started raining down on me. *shudder* Worst nightmare ever!

So baked!

So, anyone that knows me IRL, knows I have an addiction. To baking. I love baking. It's a really great creative outlet for me, and my neighbours and friends have this love/hate relationship with me...mostly because I say "Hi! How are you? I baked, have some noms, kthxbai!"

I really like baking cupcakes and cookies. I'll do the occasional cake, but my decorating skills are not quite up there yet.
 You can do some really awesome stuff with different colours of royal icing, cookies and a toothpick...

And of course, cupcakes are super nommy. Heck, a friend of mine has asked me to make cupcakes for her April baby shower, which I feel is a huge compliment.

Some baking I did for my birthday last year:
On the left - vanilla buttermilk cupcakes with salted fudge filling and swiss meringue frosting. On the right - mexican chilli cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting.

Chocolate cake, with home-made marshmallow as frosting, smothered in chocolate ganache. I made this for the "apocalypse" day :P

Combined vanilla and chocolate buttermilk cupcakes with vanilla bean buttercream frosting.

I currently only have a stupid little oven that has space for only one rack, so I can't bake as much as I would like to. And even though people have suggested I do this as a living, I don't think I would. I love baking, but I would probably not deal with, say, bridezillas very well. Or momzillas. Or any kind of 'zilla that will make up a complaint to get attention or a discount.

But it's fun for a hobby, and always makes for a good birthday present :D

Quit being such a fucking victim

Everyone has met at least one person like this. Everything happens to them, but it's never "their" fault. Any advice or suggestions on how to fix the issue is met with more buts than the average strip club has. Nothing ever works out, nothing ever goes their way. That person is the Eternal Victim.

I got rid of my EV last year, thankfully. I didn't know that person was a Victim when we first met, I just thought "hey, someone pretty cool! Awesome!".
Boy, did I learn. Waaah waaah waaah waaah.

Bitching about money, and not having enough. Dumbass, you've maxed out 4 credit cards, and you work 20 hours a week at a minimum wage job. Get a second job and stop buying crap you don't need!

Bitching about health. Quit buying junk food, drink more water and cut out the sugary sodas. And then you'll save even more money.

Bitching about not being able to sleep. Maybe try some exercise and cutting down on the aforementioned sugary sodas and, I dunno, getting into an actual sleep pattern?

Bitching about constantly losing friends. Well gee, I wonder why that is!

But no. Nothing was ever Victim's fault. There was a conspiracy, people are working against Victim, nothing they do makes a difference, blah blah blah blah. It was so exhausting being friends with this person, as I'm normally pretty much "Hey, I know why I'm in this situation, I have no-one to blame but myself, so lemme kick my own ass into gear." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - but I try hard not to get into the Victim mind set. And thankfully Antisocial Husband helps with that.

 Maintaining this friendship was draining and potentially damaging to my psyche. The day I decided to sever all ties with Victim, it felt like the sun was coming out after weeks of dark clouds.

If you have someone like that in your life, I strongly suggest that you try and get rid of that emotional leech. Life is too short to spend it with people like that.

Do you ever...

wake up some mornings and feel the urge to go back to sleep?

I do. I'm now apparently a grand master of pressing the snooze button while sleeping. This results in a very groggy me. This means I'm more prone to losing my temper and listening to the black cat on the other side of the window pane. BURN THEM ALL!

It's almost hilarious how annoying little things can become. The geyser pipe malfunctioning. The oven tripping the entire house when you turn it on. The lack of storage space anywhere in a townhouse (whoever designs townhouses should be forced to live in them). How I can't open the dishwasher all the way because of the way the kitchen is designed. Being reminded that one of my favourite webcomics is going to end in less than 2 months. *sigh*

On normal, non-snooze-button-pressing days, things like that are still annoying, but still easily shrugged off. It's like the snooze  button coats you in emotional tar and everything becomes sticky.

Ugh.

I need to stop pressing the snooze button.

My dog's more awesome than your dog

Exhibit A:

He sleeps next to my bed and keeps me safe from the bogeyman

Exhibit B:

He waits "patiently" for his treats and looks adorable while doing so.

Exhibit C:

He makes sleeping look like an art form. Seriously. You could print this and frame this and hang it on your wall.






Exhibit D:

Here he is, making sure the wall doesn't fall over. Isn't he clever and strong? :D









Exhibit E:

He reminds me that I have to walk him or he'll destroy EVERYTHING...


Exhibit F:

He watches carefully while I'm baking - without him, all my cakes would flop.


So there you have it. Indisputable evidence that my dog is WAY better than yours. He's now going to try and figure out how to solve world hunger.

Best. Movie. Ever

 

A few weeks back, I was watching The 5th Element with some friends. This movie was made 16 years ago (Oh gods I feel old now), and it still works so well today.

First of all, the special effects don't seem to have dated at all. I think it's because they stuck to mostly old school costumes and prosthetics.

Secondly, the costuming was really well done by Jean Paul Gaultier. Shall we feast our eyes on this?

I'm pretty sure many an adolescent boy and girl hit puberty thinking about Leeloo in the bandage costume.

Let us not forget the brilliant combination of comedy, drama, suspense and action. Ruby Rhod is screamingly funny:

I believe this is also the movie that started Milla Jovovich's career as an ass-kicking hottie (she's the only reason why I watch the Resident Evil movies):

Some proof of the drama and suspense:

And one of my favourite movie villains (Gary Oldman is just deliciously evil in this role, it's ridiculous).

There is just so much right with this movie, and it was the first DVD I ever bought. I probably watch it twice a year, and I enjoy it every time :) If you haven't watched this yet...WHY NOT??

What's your favourite movie, and why?

If you love the Pope, don't read this

This is the new Pope's view on gay rights.

Frankly, I think it's fucking bullshit that some doddery, bordering on senile old man preaches hatred and fear  because it's something different. How the hell is gay marriage destroying the family? One would think that marriages like Britney Spears' 55 hour Vegas marriage, or Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage would provoke more outrage from the Church, as that does more damage to the sanctity of marriage than gay marriage does. But no, apparently two adults who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together is destroying the family.

Gay adoption is discrimination against children? Why? Because they have two moms, or two dads? What about inter-racial adoption?  People will discriminate against others because of hair colour, skin colour, eye colour, age, gender, height, weight, income, the area they live in, etc etc etc.

Children will apparently be "deprived of their human development given by a father and a mother." So what about single parents? Must they now rush out and grab someone off the street to marry so that their child will not be "deprived"? What if Mom left Dad because Dad is a violent drug addict who beat the ever living shit out her and Junior? How is a violent marriage, or a loveless marriage in any way benevolent to the development of a child?

In the meantime, the Vatican is vigorously covering up the growing number of reports of priests abusing children, or doing their best to discredit the victims. I'm sure Jesus didn't mean "Suffer little children to come unto me" that literally. Really? The Popes spend all their time telling families what birth control they can use, telling women what they can do with their bodies, and judging adults for loving other adults of the same gender, but they can't do diddly-squat about their priests molesting, raping and abusing children in the Church?

Yeah. I think Tim Minchin can sum up my feelings about the Popes perfectly:

(Lyrics Here)

Wonderful day, makes me so happy my face is numb

No brain droppings today. But I'll just leave these here for you to look at :D

And this too

A little more

Have a good weekend!

Review of....

I've decided I'm going to review one of my favourite on-line retailers ever - Yuppiechef.
Yuppiechef first came into my life a couple years ago - I think it was because I saw them mentioned in a magazine article somewhere. Don't ask me which one though, I honestly cannot remember.

I poked through their site and saw some really really awesome things, and I ordered a Silpat baking mat, a Kitchen Craft icing set and a Christmas Cookie cutter set. This was on the 26th of October, 2011.

Two days later, my goodies arrived. TWO DAYS!!!! And not only that, it came with a handwritten card, thanking me for my purchase and wishing me many happy baking hours with my awesome new toys. Plus a cute fridge magnet. You get a magnet in each package, and they're all different and super strong. I have about eleventy billion decorating my fridge.

The quality of the goods is really high, and they add great new products every day. The customer service is platinum coated and diamond studded and covered in chocolate puppies. That's how stunning their service is.

And surprisingly, they have a monthly newsletter that I actually read. It's got recipes and tips and tricks...their Facebook page is entertaining and funny as well.

For service, I give them 10/10. For quality, I give them 10/10. For entertainment, I give them 9/10.
I highly recommend them to anyone and everyone. 

Losing my religion

 I was raised Roman Catholic. Went through baptism, first communion, confirmation - the whole shebang. SWMBO is Roman Catholic, HWOSWMBO is agnostic.

I even went through a happy clappy uber-religious phase, which was probably annoying to everyone around me...

After my sister passed away, I could not have been less religious. For a while, I was pretty much full blown atheist.

As time has gone by, I've moved from atheist to agnostic to believing in something but not really giving a name to it.

I still don't subscribe to organised religion. I'm still not entirely comfortable in churches, and for our wedding day, AntisocialHusband and I had a non-religious garden ceremony. It would just seem hypocritical to swear before God when we don't really subscribe to his stuff.

I'm not anti-religious at all - hell, my Mom is religious, some of my closest friends are religious. I just don't see why two thousand year old world of mouth translated from an ancient language stories should be used to run your entire life. I fail to see how wearing clothes with mixed fibre makes you less Catholic.

I mean, the basic idea of the Catholic religion (or most religions to my knowledge) is pretty much "be awesome to each other, don't treat each other like shit and oh yeah, I'm your only God." All that other stuff about stoning your wife and selling your daughter is kind of contradictory, don't you think?

Not to mention that a lot of unscrupulous people use (amongst other things) religion for their own selfish purposes...Point in case - Westboro Baptist Church. Need I say more?

Plus, it's kind of hard to get behind any religion that subjugates over half the world's population (i.e. women), tries to dictate the love between adults, and sweeps pedophilia under the rug because the offender is a "religious leader".

I suppose the main reason why I don't trust religion, is people. People in large groups cannot be trusted. They cease thinking for themselves and can be whipped into a frenzy and lives can be lost. All you need is a charismatic leader, a belief and a crowd of people willing to listen. It's scary.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So my super awesome SIL (Who we will call SuperGirl coz she's tall, blonde and awesome) lives in the same complex as I do.

And boy, did she just tell me a story about a nightmare neighbour. There's this one old lady (who we will call OldBat because she is NOT a lady), who has a yappy dog. There are quite a few dogs in this complex, the majority of whom do not bark. Because they're brilliant puppies, that's why!

However,OldBat leaves her front door open (with the security gate locked), and her dog barks at EVERYTHING. A leaf flutters past? "YAP YAP HOLY SHIT MUST KILL YAP YAP!" A neighbour goes past? "YAP YAP IMMA KILL YOU YAP YAP!" All. Day. Long.

One of the neighbours got sick of it, and closed her front door last night so we could have some peace and quiet.

One would've thought he'd tried to skin the dog alive while having sex with her couch, the way she carried on.

I missed the fireworks because I was watching stuff on my computer, but SuperGirl heard the whole commotion. OldBat apparently stood outside, screaming at the top of her lungs at this poor guy, threatening to call the police on this chap, he doesn't know who she is, he's a liar, he's a thief etc etc. All the while, the neighbour is calmly trying to explain that her yapping yapbag is annoying.

The security guards got wind of the ruckus, and came down to try and get her to calm down.
Major fail, she went even more nuts and started hitting them! Actually hitting them O.o
There's going to be a buttload of emails to the HOA about this OldBat, and she'll hopefully get her entitled old ass evicted.

OldBat seems to be one of those people who thinks that just because she's old, she can do what she wants and is entitled to respect. Well, nope. Gray pubes are not an automatic respect card, OldBag. And it sure as hell doesn't mean you're allowed to wail on the hard working guards because you're old.

I have a theory that when some people get old, their personalities get magnified. If you're a nice person, you'll be a nice old lady. If you're a dick, you'll be a stupid OldBat. Me, I'm going to be ThatCrazyOldLady.

Nnnng....*facepalm*

You know those people who feel the need to unnecessarily abuse the Caps lock? I'm not talking about your sweet 75 year old Granma who is only on Facebook and Twitter to see what her grandkids are up to. I'm talking about people from the Internet Generation(TM).

But they don't use Caps lock for the whole sentence. No no no. They feel the need to emphasize random words.
Allow me to demonstrate:

The main IDEA behind this SENTENCE is to demonstrate what a complete TWIT I am ONLINE, and probably in REAL LIFE too.

Don't you just get a mental image of someone talking normally, and then yelling or screaming the uppercase words? Am I the only one?

I mean, if you were see someone talking like that in the street, just a random person yakking on their phone, and EVERY other WORD was SHOUTED OUT with no APPARENT rhyme or REASON, you would steer clear of those people, no? Or take a video and send it to your friends with "hahahha look at this retard, lol! #weirdpeople #nomakeup #nofilter"

Using one word in caps to make a point is completely understandable, as on most social media you don't have the option to bold or italicize or underline something. But THIS IS just completely RIDICULOUS and SCARES ME.

Don't even get me started On PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS. ThEy ShOuLd Be BeAtEn RePeAtEdLy WiTh A kEyBoArD. 0R W0R2e, 7eh lEe7 k1dd1e5...

(Ow. That actually hurt my brain. If you love me, send booze to ease the pain.)

Working from home is not an all hours access pass.

*Warning: if you're offended by the word "fuck", you're on the wrong fucking blog*

I'm lucky in that I work from home with my AntisocialHusband. What's even better is I live in an access controlled complex where the security guard calls you before they let visitors in. And if you don't feel like dealing with that person, you just say "No, don't let them in." Which is heaven.

One of my closest friends also runs her own business from home. However, she doesn't have the same kind of access control we do. So she has to deal with random clients and acquaintances showing up after hours unannounced. Which is totally uncool.

This begs the question:

What the fuck has happened to people having some respect for the privacy and space of other people? I would die before just randomly showing up at someone's door without checking if they're home first.And if I didn't die, SWMBO would murderlize me with extreme prejudice. Because that's not how she raised me, dammit.

I mean, it's after working hours. You don't know what they could be doing. They might be making dinner, or doing laundry, or catching up on housework, or...you know...categorizing their toenail clippings from obscure '70s musical stars. Or shagging.

What's just as fucking bad, is acquaintances showing up during the work day, expecting you to be available for a bit of social time. Um, no, I'm bloody working. Would you appreciate it if someone showed up at your office at 10:30 wanting to go out for coffee and window shopping? Hmmmm?

Those kinds of people prey on your good nature. You feel guilty about the fact that they've made this trip, and you can't turn them away.

Well, I have some amazing news:

You can!

It's not your problem that they didn't call/text/smoke signal beforehand to see if it was good timing. It's theirs. 

It's not your problem that they have no respect for your space and job. 

It's theirs. 

And why should you care about their problems when you have enough of your own to deal with?

I suggest ignoring the door and doorbell and gatebuzzer (keep the damn thing closed and locked!). Alternatively, open the door a crack (opening it all the way gives the impression that they're welcome), and say "Oh, you really should have called first! This is not a good time, but we'll see you another time. Bye!" And close the door. Don't even give them a chance to talk.

Because seriously. If you can't respect my time, my space, my need for privacy and relaxation, then fuck you. You're not a friend, you're a distant acquaintance, because sure as hell, no real friend would just arrive without at least checking first. Calling while you're on the way is still ok, because even if it's 10 minutes beforehand, you're at least bloody calling.

But if you just show up unannounced, I courteously invite you to Fuck. The. Hell. Off. Mkay?

If a 6 year old can do it...

It's quite funny how some grown adults simply don't seem to understand how queues and "waiting your turn" works.

What's even funnier is when someone blatantly jumps the queue, or pushes in, everyone else Glares like crazy, but nobody actually says anything.

The QueueTwat will stand in their stolen spot, either staring straight ahead, or defiantly glancing at their fellow Queuers, daring someone to say something, anything.

I generally end up being That Person. The "Excuse me, but the end of the line is back there" person. The "Did you seriously think that we'd be ok with that?" person. The "Hey, 6 year olds know how to queue, what's your excuse?" person.

Sometimes they get aggressive, which passes pretty quickly when they realise that:
a) I'm not backing down
b) There's a number of witnesses and
c) depending on the store, security cameras and security guards.

Other times, they'll try and bluster out with "I'm in a hurry/I just have a few things." The best response is "Everyone else in this queue has somewhere to be too. The end of the line is back there."

There was one occasion where the QueueTwat tried to ignore me, when other Queuers started chiming in. It's got to be embarrassing when a Gogo (Grandma) tells you to be a man and treat others with respect. He actually slunk to the end of the line with his tail between his legs, and stared at his feet.

Now if only I could do that to Drivers who turn into QueueTwats....

Perfume: Applying it is not a watersport

Seriously. Having consideration for others costs nothing.

That includes personal hygiene. Please, showering once or twice a day is actually a GOOD thing. If I can taste your BO, you need to bathe. With steel wool. In battery acid.

And don't think that deodorant spray will mask the stench. It just makes it worse. Seriously. Imagine chocolate covered rotten egg. That's what it's like. The first whiff is not bad, but with the second whiff, the scent layers unravel to expose the nasty, rotten grossness beneath.

Finally, even if you have the most impeccable hygiene ever to the point where babies with immune deficiency problems could lick milk off your skin, that still doesn't mean you can marinate in your favourite designer knock off perfume.

If I'm walking my dog outside, and we pass each other, and I can taste your perfume, you're wearing too much. If you're applying perfume and you can smell it, you've put too much on.

Or, another favourite of mine - you're just arrived at gym, you're getting ready to get your sweat on and you decided that putting a liberal amount of Poison on is JUST what you need to motivate you to run...It just motivates me to want to pick up a dumbbell and beat you with it.

Oscar's Dad is a moron

Here's why I say that. He says that the Government fails to protect whites.

Nope.

No, you're wrong.

The only thing the Government is capable of protecting is it's bank balance. It couldn't give two flying fucks about the people - whether they're black, white, pink, striped or furry. (Of course, this doesn't stop them from saying that he is now being racist. Drama queens).

It suits the ruling party to keep the majority of the voting populace under/uneducated. That way, they'll only ever vote for them because they simply don't know any better, and believe all the false promises they make.

As long as everyone stays in the shacks and unemployed and uneducated, the ruling party can blame everything on apartheid. Which ended nearly 20 years ago. Kids conceived in 1994 are nearly done with high school by now. We could've been one hell of a contender in the world - not necessarily a world power, but the global equivalent of that kid everyone knows who is good at sports, music and academics. Not the BEST at everything, but pretty darn great.

Instead, we have a president who spends R250 million+ on a fucking compound for himself, who has gone on record saying that showering straight after sex prevents AIDS, women are not fulfilled until they're making food and having babies...or is that having food and making babies?

I guess what I'm saying is, my dog could do a better job running this country than Zuma is. And my dog sometimes farts in his face when licking his balls so that's saying something.

Blah blah blah

Yesterday, I was walking to gym (it's very close to my house), and while passing through the parking lot, I saw this happen.

A guy exited the gym, and headed to his over-priced 4X4 that looked like it has never seen uneven terrain, not even in a magazine. But ok, it's your choice of car, whatever. The shopping complex car guard greeted him, and 4x4Guy did that irritated "go away fly" wave, got into his over-priced car and sped off.

That didn't really sit right with me. Firstly, WTF with that hand thing? That's kind of insulting, and dehumanizing. 

Secondly - this guy is actually trying to work for money. He's not begging at a stop street, he's not nicking things. He has to get up at 3 am to be at work by 6, and gets home around 7 or 8 pm. If he goes to the toilet or to buy some water, he stands a chance of losing money. He has to tolerate all sorts of weather conditions and gets paid peanuts, as well has having to pay for his own uniform.

I know not all car guards are good. But the ones in that shopping complex are pretty cool. They help people unpack their trollies, help with carrying groceries to your car. Their presence means that the door ding gnomes can't do as much damage as they would like to and they help prevent accidents.

So at least acknowledge them, and don't be a twatnozzle like 4X4Guy.

Best News EVAR

So, in case you haven't heard, Whose Line Is It Anyway is coming back for for 10 more episodes!!!

I can seriously die happy now. This is my most favourite comedy show of all time. OF ALL TIME < / Kanye West>. I have crushes on pretty much all the contestants (especially Ryan and Colin) because I find a sense of humour to be incredibly sexy.

If you don't know what Whose Line is...I'm afraid I can't be seen with you. Ew.

But honestly, I'm super happy and excited. I know that there was Improv A Ganza in Vegas, but it wasn't quite the same. Still screamingly funny though.

And now, to make your Monday better:

You're welcome. I love you too.

Happy birthday

Today would've been my big sister's 35th birthday. Her name is Liezl.

She was diagnosed with Rett Syndrome when she was little. She unfortunately passed away in 2001

She was awesome.

Happy birthday

We love you

(Painting "The Light of Liezl" by Gavin Rain)

You're just AWESOME

I am not a parent. I will probably never be one. But I was a kid who was parented well, so that is some kind of experience.

Many of my friends are parents. They're good parents in that they try. They try to impose boundaries and discipline, while making sure the kids understand why. They try to impart the value of things to their kids, and more importantly, the value of people. They reward and praise and protect and cuddle and snuggle, and discipline and explain and help. They take an interest in their kids. That's parenting.

You know what isn't parenting? Letting your 5 year old have a tantrum in a trolley because she wants a sweetie and you're not getting one. Better yet, when she starts hitting you with her fists, you don't immediately haul her out of the shop for a little chat, you just put your arms around her. If I had ever acted like that with SWMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed - aka my Awesome Mom), I would still be grounded to this day.

Something else that isn't parenting, is giving your child absolutely everything they ask for, no matter what it is. Why does a 7 year old need a Blackberry? Why does a 13 year old need R5 000 jeans? How are they ever going to appreciate the value of money, and the satisfaction of "I earned this myself" if you just spoon feed them everything?

Discipline is not abuse. Discipline does not equal spanking. Discipline is enforcing that this is the rule, and this is why you follow it. Take away the internet, the computer, all gaming devices, TV, non-school books, social life etc. Have them volunteer their time somewhere like an old age home or an animal shelter. Have them earn back their luxuries.

Don't look at your little 5 year old with pride and say "Oh s/he's just a child" while they're pushing around the other kids. In 8 years, they'll be teenagers, and then you'll say "I don't know what I did wrong, s/he won't listen!". And then a few years from then, you'll be sitting in a court where your child is being tried for shoplifting/armed theft/assualt/murder/rape/etc and weep and wail and claim that "S/he's a good person! S/he's a GOOD PERSON!"

They're NOT. And it's mostly your fault for being a shitty parent. Why would they follow the law when you taught them that there's no consequences for breaking your rules? Why would they have consideration for other people when you taught them that their needs supersede all others?

So man the fuck up, put on your big girl panties, and parent.