He was a quiet man

Talk about stumbling across a gem of a movie. I'd never heard of this film until I saw it mentioned on IMDB.

Christian Slater does an incredible job of portraying Bob, a beige man in a beige house with a beige life. He has a thankless and boring job, bullied by his co-workers and managers. Everyday he toys with the idea of going on a shooting spree, and assigns bullets to his tormentors.

However, someone beats him to the punch, and Bob inadvertently ends up becoming a hero. The killer was going to finish off a pretty girl that Bob had a crush on, and Bob wasn't having any of that.

As the movie progresses, things get worse, then better, then worse again. Capello (the director) has a good eye for detail, and many of the shots could be printed and hung on your wall. The original music (by Jeff Beal) is haunting and a little sad - very fitting.

This film magnifies many of little splinters that life likes to gives us. After all, one or two splinters is barely an issue, but a dozen can drive you insane.

Elisha Cuthbert shows that she is more than just a pretty face. Having to play a quadriplegic must be challenging, and she brought a certain strength to that character. You end up feeling more sorry for Bob than you do for Venessa (her character).

As you turn around the corner to the end of the movie, you find that the rollercoaster ride you went through was totally worth it.

He was a quiet man...

This is an EX-PARROT!

On Saturday night, Asshat ExHusband and I had the pleasure of attending John Cleese's show. We had front row seats. I was literally within 3 metres of a Python...Unfortunately my bag wasn't big enough to smuggle in chloroform and rope, so I couldn't kidnap him. Bugger.

The show was awesome - Mr Cleese was dry, droll, sarcastic and very nostalgic. There was a moment that made my life, however. He was showing some pictures from the Frost Report, and pointed out a person in the group photo and asked if anyone knew who it was. I piped up with "Marty Feldman." John Cleese looked me right in the eye, pointed at me and said "Yes! Well done!"
So I can officially die happy now, and cross off another item on my Bucket list.

He explored his childhood, his shared black humour with his mom, his schooling, how he met the other Pythons, how he got into showbiz. He shared video clips and photos of some of his favourite moments, including his speech at Graham Chapman's funeral, which simultaneously moved me to tears and made me laugh.

John Cleese also shared the inspiration behind some skits, like the Cheese Shop and the fact that there really was a hotel like Fawlty Towers. The Pythons stayed in a hotel with an owner who was the inspiration for Basil Fawlty. Someone like that existed. Mind. Blown.

After show, he was even kind enough to take some questions. And he answered them all with great wit and affection. Despite being 73 years old, he's just as funny as he ever was. He even did a little Silly Walk for us, even though he despised that skit.

It was amazing. 

Cake or DEATH

On Friday night, Asshat ExHusband and I had the pleasure of seeing Eddie Izzard perform. And he did NOT disappoint. Asshat ExHusband didn't really know his work, so was a little dubious about it, but after roughly 30 seconds of the show, he was actually laughing. And all was safe.

Vader showed up, as did God, Smeagol, Gandalf, Mr Stevens (pang! pang!) and various other amusing little characters.

I started off laughing and ended laughing - my cheeks hurt like mad by the end of it.

Unfortunately, however, the venue was kind of a shit choice. 6 urinals for the gents and 6 loos for the ladies, for roughly 5000 people. I'm not joking, there were literally thousands of people there. THOUSANDS. There were a couple of merch tables. Yes, I got a "cake or death" t-shirt. I would have swopped one of Antisocial Husbands' testicles for one, but they would only accept money. Capitalists.

The drinks...benches? tables? I don't know what they were, they looked like those bendy foldy tables you saw in middle class Sunday Schools. And some smart person thought "Ok, well, let's have them not accept credit cards at all, in a convention centre that has absolutely no ATMs whatsoever. Grand idea!" So we went thirsty.

But the piece de resistance was the parking palaver. Two entire parking payment machines, for an entire convention centre. One of which can no longer accept notes as some dumb twat jammed it. Well done! Cue hundreds of people standing in a queue for 40+ minutes to pay for bloody parking...Considering that ASH and I paid over a grand for the tickets, one would think the parking would be free, but nooooooooo.

I don't blame Eddie Izzard for this, how would he know that the Sandton Convention Centre is a shit place to have a show? But Real Concerts would know this. This would have run far better at Monte Casino or the Coca Cola Dome. Because, honestly, standing in a queue for 40+ minutes in 5 inch wedge heels when you're dying of thirst tends to take the shine off a splendid evening.

So Eddie Izzard - 15/10. Brilliant. Love you! Long time!
But Real Concerts and the Sandton Convention Centre - 2/10. The SCC sucks, and since we're out of cake, it gets death. Not the chicken. DEATH!

Tune in tomorrow for the John Cleese review!

(Yes, I saw both Eddie Izzard and John Cleese this weekend. My life rocks)

A love letter

Dear Gym

I miss you. I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I have to be away for a few days.

I miss how hot and sweaty we used to get together -how once we were done, I wouldn't just be out of breath, I would be gasping for air.  Not to mention how funny I would walk the next day...

Oh, I know I'm not the only one you do this to. But somehow, I'm ok with sharing you. Except when that person is too busy texting to pay any attention to you. They don't deserve you if they do that. It obviously means they don't really care, and you can do far better.

Do you miss me? Do you even notice I'm gone? I hope so. You've led me to believe that you're just as invested in this as I am, and it would hurt my feelings if that weren't true.

I'll hopefully see you next week. I hope you're ready for me ;)

With all my love,

Rads




PS Yeah, I've been sick. Stupid germs.

One of my favourite movies

I first saw this movie when I was the same age as the heroine - 19. Back then I could kind of relate to the confusion she felt, on the cusp of child and adult.

The basic premise of the movie revolves around Lucy, who goes to visit her late mother's friends in Italy. There she seeks not only a crush from her childhood to present her virginity to, but her biological father. Her poet mother wrote about the passionate one night stand that resulted in the conception of Lucy, but didn't name any names.

Lucy discovers the true nature of her childhood crush, who is nothing more than a lame Lothario - a pretty, empty vessel. When she changes her mind about giving up her virginity while making out with him, the scene turns rather disturbing as he disregards her vehement No's. Thankfully she successfully pushes him off and escapes.

The soundtrack to this movie is pretty awesome, featuring artists like Hoover, Nina Simone, John Lee Hooker, and Cocteau Twins, to name a few. The backdrops are simply breathtaking- from rolling Italian hills, to gorgeous statues, murals and architecture.

Every time I've watched this, I've found something new to appreciate about this film. The performance art and actual art is gorgeous. The party scenes are hedonistic, the introspective scenes are fraught with emotion and you can feel the awkwardness in the gawky teenage scenes.

Just something to bear in mind if you want to watch this - they don't shy away from the naked human body, or the subject of sex. The ending doesn't supply a lot of resolution, so you're not too entirely sure what the repercussions are of Lucy's final decision.

Liv Tyler is endearingly earnest in the role of Lucy. One moment she's a confident woman, the next a sullen, sulky teenager. There is an admirable supporting cast in the form of Jeremy Irons (playing a benevolent uncle type who is terminally ill), Rachel Weisz, Sinead Cusack, and Joseph Fiennes.

Obviously, I give this 5 stars, duh.

Reed moar boox

Reading is awesome. I've been reading since I was tiny - and I credit that to my parents. They were very good in making sure I learned how to read early, and that I learned the pleasure of books as well.

They also informed me that apparently I taught myself to speed-read, a fact which I am rather skeptical about. Yes, I do speed-read, but I was no child prodigy! On an added note, being a speed-reader is expensive. I finish a new book (300+ pages) in about 1 - 2 days if I don't read it in one sitting...

Books are just intensely great. I have been to many different worlds, different cultures, different times, thanks to books. I have made life-long friends with the characters in some of the books I've read. Every year I re-read one of my favourite series, and even though I know what to expect, I still laugh in all the same places, and cry in all the same places.

Asshat ExHusband can attest to the fact that he's caught me sobbing my heart out over the death of a character in a book. There are two particular books I can never read again, because they drive me into a red-hot rage. I get extremely angry when I read them, so I've decided that even though I love the authors, for my own mental health I need to not read those works again.

I have two books autographed by Sir Terry Pratchett. They are two of my most prized possessions - I still remember being 13 years old, meeting the Sir and being tongue-tied. Typical teen awkwardness, bah!

I have also learned to not lend out my books. I've lost many books that way - at least one of which is now out of print. For years I was heart-broken until I recently found it at a second hand bookstore. And I've read it and re-read it about 3 times since re-acquiring it :D

If you were to look at my bookcase, you can easily tell which are my favourite books by seeing which of the spines are so creased that you can barely make out the title. Asshat ExHusband is also a big reader, which is a big thing for me. If he hadn't had books in his room when I first walked into it, I don't think we would still be together...

One day when I'm big and grown-up, I would like a hammock in my garden, where I can go and read on a lazy Sunday afternoon. With a good drink by my side, and heaven help you if you disturb me for a trivial reason!

Movie stuff I've wondered about

Watching movies, there's always some stuff I've wondered about.

Take, for example, the huge waste of science minions in an action movie. The main bad dude doesn't seem to mind sacrificing a couple of scientists, despite the fact that the world appears to be in a classic post-apocalyptic era, which means way fewer people. I mean, how are you going to build your doomsday device in time if you keep killing off the brainier sections of your minions?

There is also the classic "Girl wakes up the morning after a tryst" scene, where her hair is amazing and silky and gorgeous, and even though she appears to have slept with her make up on, none of it has smudged. At all. Which is pretty much impossible, especially after the night passion the movie showed before with all sorts of hair tossing and acrobatics and passionate face-nomming...er...smooching.

Action movies where there's a plucky female love-interest is also amusing. I remember one film where they were running through a desert while being fired at. And the love-interest's bright white pants were spotless at the end of it all, and she was wearing fresh lipgloss. Really? It's great you have this awesome CGI, but my suspension of disbelief only goes so far hey.

And it's amazing how crappy the general troops are at shooting. You have dozens of men firing at our hero/ione, but they get grazed with a bullet maybe once or twice. What are the hiring processes at that association? Don't they make them go through some kind of interview process?

"Hi, so you're applying for the evil minion guard position?"
"Yes sir."
"Here, take this gun and fire at that target."
*Bang! Bang!*
"Missed completely...you're hired!"

Don't even get me started on the movies where they spent more time on the special effects than the script...Yeesh!

Want to keep your customer in this economy?

Maybe listen to the people that are actually on the front lines. Gather round, children, Aunty Iradney is going to tell a story:

 Once upon a time, there was a company that sold a useful, but common product. Let's call the company Waddle, because I like that word.

At the time, Waddle had experienced a large increase in the number of customers who were buying their product. As a result, there were more and more support calls coming in.

However, the support desk personnel was under a lot of stress, as they were each doing the work of 3 - 4 people, even with their manager pitching in. In fact, the manager didn't get a chance to do anything managerial as there was just too much support grunt work to do.

In the weekly meetings, the manager (let us call him Isaac) requested, then begged and pleaded, for more support staff. Unfortunately, Waddle was more interested in getting more installation and sales staff so that they could hit their goal of XX installations a month.

Isaac pointed out many many times that there's no point in installing dozens of new clients a week if there is inadequate after-sales support for them. Yes, they'll have about 200 new clients a month, but they'll lose at least half of them within 3 - 6 months because they're not getting any support.

It costs far more to replace a customer than to keep one. (Some people say 6 to 7 times more, others say 5 to 10 times more). So while it's great that you're getting 200 new customers a month, you're going to lose 100 a month. You then have to go out and replace those 100 customers to make up the deficit, which means your sales people now have more pressure on them.

If you're selling a physical product, you also need to take into account the cost of collecting the product, the storage of the product and the decreased ROI (Return On Investment) in that product. It's not going to make you money by sitting in a storage unit.

Last, but certainly not least, take into account the stress that the support personnel are put under. Not only are they facing mountains and mountains of work, but they also have to deal with irate customers who are demanding the level of service and support that they pay for. It's not upper management that's getting sworn and shouted at, it's poor Bob on the phones. Trust me, if Bob could clone himself to decrease the amount of work he has and improve his working conditions, he would.

Eventually, Bob and his co-workers will resign. Upper management will then have to hire new people, but that will eat into their profits too. Bob and his coworkers have years of experience on the job, and it will take New Bob and New Co-workers at least 6 months to get relatively competent on the system. Which will result in lowered standards for support, and more irate customers and more cancellations and and and.

Meanwhile, upper management sit in their ivory tower, wondering why they're getting so many cancellations. They choose to blame support, when in actual fact, they are the ones to  blame. If they had listened to Isaac, and hired people when he originally requested it, they would not have such a high customer attrition rate. Instead of losing 50% of their new clients, they would lose maybe 5%.

So pretend each customer pays Waddle R 5 000. That means each month, they're expecting an extra million, but only getting R 500 000, because half the clients cancel. By hiring 5 new support personnel at roughly R15 000 each, they will lay out an additional R75 000 a month for support. If they lose only 5% of new customers instead of 50%, they will make R 950 000 a month, instead of R 500 000. Right there, the new support personnel have provided the first 6 months of their salary.

I'm not even any kind of economist, and I know that you have to spend money on proper support and training for your employees if you want to keep your customers' money with you. It's not rocket science, it's simple logic.

Gender and colour

You know, this whole "pink is for girls blue is for boys" thing is annoying. I'm ok with pink, I even have a few items of clothing in pink, but some marketers think "Hey! We need to market this to women! We'll make it PINK!"

Take this for example:

Yep. That's terribly menacing, it is. A bright pink gun. Why would you want a bright pink gun? I personally would rather have matt black and brushed steel...which leads me to wonder if the bullets are painted pink as well. Bloody hell.

And if your baby is a boy and wears pink, people react as if he's going to be a pervert when he grows up. Dude. No. If that was honestly the case, then we're all perverted because it used to be that pink was a masculine colour and blue a feminine colour (click here for why).

Why limit a kid to one or two colours? Why can boys only wear blue, green and red? Why can girls only wear pink, yellow and purple? That's boring! And who's to say that only boys like Ben Ten and only girls like Hello Kitty?

I'll believe that the genders are equal when you can walk down the toy aisle and not think "Oh, that dolly is for a girl and that Lego is for a boy." If your little girl wants to play with Hot Wheels, let her. If your little boy chooses the little plastic kitchen as his favourite toy, let him! She could be a race driver when she grows up, and he could be a chef.

I suppose the fact that my parents gave me dolls and cars (and Lego) to play with as a kid probably helped. Little me could never understand why my female friends never wanted to play with my cars, only with the dolls.

You can't expect adults to treat each other as equals if you raise them to believe that they're not.