Why losing a dog hurts so much

I know. It's been a while. I've been caught up in that thing called "real life".

However. I feel like I need to write this today.

On Friday, we had to say goodbye to my first ever dog. The first dog that was my dog. He was 11 years and 51 weeks old. He'd been battling lymphoma, arthritis, laryngeal paralysis and old age.

I first got Hopper as a one year anniversary gift from the AsshatExHusband. I remember getting this little ball of fluff, bursting into tears and cuddling the snot out of him.

Hopper had been with me through thick and thin. Moves across the country, shitty jobs, a divorce etc. He's the reason I didn't commit suicide after the AsshatExHusband left. I was sitting the bathtub, ready to open arteries (I'd even googled their locations on the arm), and he came in and gave me this "What you doing" look.

Hopper had always been a joi de vivre type of dog. We're going for a walk? AWESOME! We're getting a biscuit? AWESOME! We're getting scritched? AWESOME. We're getting a bath? Not so awesome, but I GET BISCUITS! Awesome!

His reaction to Beardyman (the love of my life) cemented my decision to be with him. He *adored* Beardyman. He loved Beardyman more than he ever loved ExHusband.

I'm glad he got to see his twilight years out on a farm. Where he could smell all sorts of interesting things. With a pack that loved him. And that pack included a cat, April. April would keep him company when I took the other dogs for a walk. She loved him. I would see her rub up against him, and lay down next to him under the tree.

Losing a dog hurts. It hurts more than you think it would. I've been through the death of my sister. I didn't think I could feel anything that hurt more than that. But seeing Hopper slip away really fucking hurt.

And I think I know why. Hopper loved me unconditionally. He was always so excited when I came home - whether it was from work, or popping out to the shops for half an hour. I could tell him anything and not get any judgement. He was always ready to fall asleep next to me. He was always happy to accept any kind of affection, without any kind of bullshit judgment that you get from other people.

He didn't judge me for wailing off key to a song. He didn't judge me for spending all day in my pajamas. He didn't judge me for watching trashy reality shows.

A dog is the best emotional investment you'll ever make. They love you regardless of fashion or music tastes. They're always excited to see you. They'll sleep next to you/near you to protect you from nightmares. They'll snuggle you when you're sad. They'll always be up for playing.

We don't deserve dogs. They certainly deserve better than us.

All I ask is that, if you read this, and you're touched by it, give your animal/s some extra loves today. Because frankly, they deserve it. They always will. And we're not worthy.